10 Gifts for Your Gay Friend Who’s Obviously Going Through It
I'm not sure what 'it' is, but it seems like a lot.
Not sure what to get your gay friend this holiday season? We’ve got you covered. This list of ‘10 Gifts for Your Gay Friend Who’s Obviously Going Through It’ has something for everyone. Murder, intrigue, seduction and more! With this guide you’ll finally be ready to go homo for the holidays.
Gift Idea 01
⭐️🌭 Hot Dogs
Is the gay in your life constantly saying, “I don’t think we have enough hot dogs.” Get the gift that says, blood pressure be damned! Help your special guy conquer his capsule meat cravings with all the glizzys, weiners, frankfurts, and hoagies he could ever imagine this holiday season.
Whether it comes in a can or is boiled to look like a jaunty octopus atop his favorite Kraft® Mac And Cheese, these fun little snacks are good on everything! Best of all? You don’t even need to cook them. Each hot dog comes ready to pop in your mouth for a little midday pick-me-up. So if your gay hasn’t touched his stove in three months, because of near-constant debilitating depressive episodes, fear not, he can still get all the nourishment he needs with: hot dogs!
Gift Idea 02
⭐️🛁 The TubShroom
We’ve all been there, the bathtub drain gets pulled a little prematurely, and down goes all that delicious body broth we were saving. Being elbow-deep in another recession means we simply cannot afford to be wasteful like that anymore. Gone are the days of lavish bath bombs that stain your skin grey like a Homestuck cosplayer, we have to savor every drop! The TubShroom does just that, trapping hair, skin, spit and more to be used at a later date. So if you’re ready to show how far you are willing to go for Jacob Elordi (and may I remind you he is 6’5” and Australian) then get your gay the gift they really want, and they’ll never be caught rimming the bathtub drain again.
Gift Idea 03
⭐️📺 One Hour on YouTube
There’s nothing that brings your gay more joy than showing their YouTube music video collection to a trusted loved one, in this case — you.
Just give him the remote, he’ll know what to do instinctively. This could be late-night performances or shaky cam footage from the Tidal Made in America concert, whatever it is they’ve learned the choreo for it and they want you to see. Just nod your head and act surprised at the appropriate times. This will mean the world to your gay, after all there are not many people he can talk to about the bikini top gingham skirt combo from Gwen Stefani’s video for Cool.
You do not have to do more than an hour of this however, any longer than that is just inhumane.
Gift Idea 04
⭐️🇺🇸 Cameo from George Santos
Diva may be down, but diva is not afraid to get back up. After becoming just the sixth member in the chamber’s history to be expelled by the House of Representatives, Santos has found his second act (well third if you count his alleged stint as a drag performer) — Cameo. Initially charging $200 per video, the gay in your life really just wants to hear Santos struggle his way through Trouble by Taylor Swift or attempt to shoehorn in the latest gay witticisms, "Botox keeps you young, fillers keeps you plump.”
It’s all fun and games until we realize that we are simply platforming yet another deeply problematic man, one who has worked to directly affect our communities negatively. Have we learned nothing from creating the lovable buffoon? Is this just the latest turn in humanizing corrupt politicians — not unlike Jimmy Fallon patting Trump’s weird hairpiece on the Tonight Show?
Better not think too much about that, you’re already hanging on by a thread. And if it’s just a gift…
Gift Idea 05
⭐️❌ Veto Power on BF
Listen, we love your boyfriend. He’s great. That time he brought his famous bean dip to the holiday party, we’ll never forget it. But just between us girls, maybe we could keep some things, just between us girls. The gay in your life just wants one thing: veto power on bringing your boyfriend to our next hangout. Look me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you would have more fun at the Rennaissance World Tour movie with your boyfriend who is trying his best (bless his heart) to understand what exactly “release your trade” means. (He’s not sure, but he is pretty certain it has something to do with a stock portfolio.)
There are situations where bringing a partner will help you to feel comfortable, safe, or attended to, and in those instances by all means bring him! But for whenever it feels like, “Oh, he’s here too?” consider leaving your guy at home. As long as the A/C is on, he has water, and is listening to his favorite music, he’ll be fine — I promise.
Gift Idea 06
⭐️🍋 Charged Lemonade
Finally, lemonade that can kill you! Not so long ago Panera Bread (the hospital food of fast-casual chains) was merely fighting off allegations that their green tea and lemonades were made with mop water, now the deaths of two individuals can be linked to their fountain drinks as well. These drinks allegedly contain ultra-high and unsafe levels of caffeine, creating what is essentially a 30oz energy drink of death. But the special guy on your list doesn’t have time for that, he's been in a five-month fire drill. He’s got decks and trackers and 200 emails that need tending to, and that venti Starbucks simply isn’t going to cut it anymore. So get him one of these, and see if there’s an intravenous option.
Gift Idea 07
⭐️🎽 Tiny Black Tank Top
He’s probably been calling these something like wife pleasers lately, which is confusing, because what, does he want a wife now too? No, he just wants something to make his arms look big and to show off his decolletage. Also, if he’s saying things like decolletage he probably isn't really looking for a wife if we’re being honest.
You can get these from the underwear aisle at any big box store. Bonus points if you tell him you got them from the little boys’ section.
Gift Idea 08
⭐️🛩 A One-Way Ticket to Gag City
Move aside Roku city, there’s a new escapist retreat on the block, and she’s for the Barbz. In a world where the average one-bedroom apartment in Boston is $2,875, is there any wonder that the hottest place to live is entirely AI-generated? Your gay may never afford to live in New York or Chicago, but you sure as hell can get him a ticket to Gag City, and that’s sort of the same thing.
Gag City has everything — movie theaters, a Popeyes (Gageyes), the Onika arena with performances by Ariana Grande, and most importantly no Cardi B! So why would you want to live anywhere else? Let go of your troubles, and disappear into the safe embrace of tech billionaires and Web3.
Gift Idea 09
⭐️🐌 Quiet the Tiny Snail in His Ear
We all have one, it’s a teeny tiny snail that lives right inside each of our eardrums, and she’s a bitch! Every day you wake up and your snail has something new and horrible to say to you. Your snail knows all your weaknesses and is not afraid to weaponize them against you. Just yesterday my snail told me I’d never look regular in a pair of pants again, so I tried on every pair of pants I own and cried. Help your friend out and kill his snail.
Gift Idea 10
⭐️💋 One Sweet Kiss
Give your friend one sweet kiss. Just plant it right on the top of his greasy little forehead like he’s your dog or a small child. If you want, you can also pat his back or gather him up in your arms for a little bit — I think he’d probably like that. This year’s been hard for everyone, and maybe what he needs most of all right now is just a little love.
Is this our sign to buy you a gift... are you going through it bestie 🫢