More to come.
Bit of an earnestness overload here, but 2023 has been a meaningful year for Ms. Greggy.
I have affectionately taken to calling this my year of realizing things. Dating Miss Timothée Chalamet wasn’t the only thing Kylie was right about.
Living alone has brought with it challenges and opportunities I could never have imagined, and possibly pushed me further than I was willing to go. We spend so much time discussing the idea of comfort zones — our lines in the sand, the things we call self-care, that we can occasionally get distracted and lose sight of our own growth. That is not to say that these things aren’t important as well, but never challenging yourself or pushing past a reasonable level of discomfort begets stagnation. Call it decision paralysis, call it lack of motivation, call it a resignation, whatever it is, the outcome is the same — you remain in a place or situation that makes you unhappy. This year has been about challenging my own comfort zone and the entire institution of comfort altogether.
Something I find myself asking is what good is a comfort zone when you know there is a greater possibility for joy and fulfillment in the world? Joy that you cannot access because you are tucked into your all-consuming comfort.
I think this “unhappiness” finally got to be too much for me this year. In every aspect of my life it started to feel like: do I really want to spend another year of my life in the same place I was before? I gave up so many years of my life hating my body, or my personality, or my voice and so so so many other things that consumed my every waking thought. I wanted to change these things, because I thought once I changed them I could begin living my life.
I used to think that I needed to fix myself before I could really start. Needed to lose weight or curate who I was more effectively. Perfection was the end goal. This made me feel good for a while. Active. But what I failed to see, and still have a hard time really recognizing, is that my life is all the things that happen on the way in between those “accomplishments.” I was (and sometimes still am) waiting to enjoy my life. Instead of seeing my life as something to partake in concurrently to my struggles, I assumed I needed to “achieve out” of my unhappiness, and then my “life” would be waiting for me like a prize on the other side.
How can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 22? (Please pretend I am 22 for the purpose of this quote, and of course my own vanity.)
This is the year I started calling myself a writer. I was so hung-up on needing someone else’s approval that I never allowed myself to view myself that way. For some (traumatized) reason I felt I needed someone to formally announce to the world that I was a writer and that I had merit. I needed institutions and gatekeepers to pass on their approval, and then I would be famous, and accomplished, and most of all complete.
By calling and naming myself as a writer, I get to experience my success throughout this building stage of my career, rather than waiting for the very end of it. I get to feel proud of my work, and thrilled to share it with everyone kind enough to read. I get to feel less like a fraud and more like an artist. I can’t say my imposter syndrome is gone, but she’s been a little quieter lately. Creating this space, and pursuing my dreams of writing has been by and far the most fulfilling experience of my life thus far. Posting consistently like my TikTok poetry and these longer Substack pieces and Newsletters has opened me up and improved my writing tenfold.
And I know this is just the beginning, and still it feels like a huge shift. It really feels like I am tapping into something here and that is keeping me extremely activated.
So, from the bottom of my heart I want to thank all of you for participating, in whatever way you have, with my growth this year. My friends who have supported my dreams, my readers who have encouraged me to create, and everyone in between who has gotten me to this place — thank you.
I look forward to next year and am ready to embrace whatever challenges are in store. Look out for the next few months as I will be featured in a magazine, a poetry collective, and a literary book. More to come.
In the meantime why not enjoy some of the stories I am most proud of writing this year below:
My doctor can’t believe I’m not trans
I’m happy you’re having a baby— but why do you want one?
10 Gifts for Your Gay Friend Who’s Obviously Going Through It
Rabbit Trap
Mind the Gap
I’m Sick and Tired of Nostalgia
Summer of the Fuck Ass Bob